The Spy Next Door sounds like a lesser film in the James Bond cannon, but even that is far too kind a designation for this Jackie Chan movie. The Hong Kong action star uses all of his considerable charm and physicality, but it's not enough to save the film from the clutches of director Brian Levant, who has previously ruined family trips to the movies with Are We There Yet?, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, and Snow Dogs. If parents think getting conned into watching this is a miserable experience, they should wait for the whine-filled aftermath when they realize their kids didn't like it either.

A retread of The Pacifier by way of Spy Kids, The Spy Next Door stars Chan as Bob Ho, a Chinese agent on loan to the CIA. After just a few months of dating his pretty neighbor Gillian (Amber Valetta), Bob tries to leave the spy life behind so he can grow closer to her and her kids. However, young Farren (Madeline Carroll, Swing Vote), Ian (Will Shadley), and Nora (Alina Foley) don't want to know their mother's boyfriend any better. They see Bob and his cover career of pen importer as boring, and they'll do anything to keep him and Gillian apart.

But when Gillian has to go out of town unexpectedly, Bob volunteers to babysit, joking, "I've brought down dictators. How tough can three kids be?" Predictably, he struggles to keep them under control, but his espionage experience is unsurprisingly helpful. He's able to get them out of the house on time thanks to his gadgets and smarts, and he can even master making a meal. As though the poorly behaved children aren't enough to handle, the ex-spy is drawn back into the game when Ian accidentally uploads a dangerous program onto his MP3 player from Bob's computer. Now, the former agent's nemesis, Russian baddie Poldark (Magnus Scheving, LazyTown), knows where he lives, and he doesn't care if the children get in the way of killing Bob. He and his henchmen (and henchwoman) track down Bob, and now he has to ensure the safety of Gillian's three kids while he keeps himself alive.

Chan does an okay job, considering the frequently groan-worthy dialogue he's made to recite, but he's the only passable part of the film. He brings the grace and agility that have made him an international star, but his stunts aren't enough to distract from the rest of The Spy Next Door. As a fellow agent, Billy Ray Cyrus tries to bring in the Hannah Montana fans, but his aw-shucks demeanor and folksy humor plays less like small-town charm and more like stupidity. George Lopez plays Bob's boss at the CIA, and the stand-up comic proves that he can't be funny even when other people are writing his lines.

After last year's Gamer, model-turned-actress Valetta's track record is simply embarrassing. She's not a great actress, but even if she were, there would be no way to know. All she has to do in The Spy Next Door is play a boring saint of a single mother who merely shakes her head when her kids misbehave, then she's off to bake cookies to appease them.

The villains are straight out of a cartoon with Boris-and-Natasha-approved accents to match, and their scarred faces and introductory musical score seem ripped from a bad Bond spoof. There's something to be said for the psychology of creating silly villains for a children's film, but this is just another element where the minds behind The Spy Next Door are talking down to their intended audience.

It's surprising that it took three people — Jonathan Bernstein, James Greer, and Gregory Poirier — to write the film. However, it's no shock that they're responsible for past cinematic screw-yous like Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector and Tomcats. You'd think the juvenile mentality of those comedies would help them here, but they've somehow managed to make the dialogue and story here even less intelligent than their past work. There are too many good kids' movies out there to let The Spy Next Door off the hook for its crimes against cinema. Its worst offense is treating kids not like they're young, but like they're stupid.